Love Thyself III- What’s your baggage?
My feeble hands clutched my chest, as I slumped to the ground, hoping the cold concrete would swallow me whole.
A stabbing pain from my heart rippled throughout my body, gripping me with fear, my grieving soul shattered…I was heartbroken and alone.
That’s how I remember my first heartbreak... a physical manifestation of an emotional cardiac arrest. It was there that I swore to never allow anyone to hurt me again.
It was there that I carried my first baggage of mistrust.
A lucky select few may not have experienced heartbreak, nonetheless we can all attest to a jarring past experience that has taught us something… we are afraid; afraid to give our all, and to love freely, afraid to be ourselves for fear of being abandoned, afraid to be vulnerable, and to be loved...afraid of the unknown. Thus we cover this fear with anger, greed, lust, perfection, complacency, mistrust... till they become a heavy burden; our baggage.
No matter what baggage we carry, they all pretend to serve one function…to hide FEAR.
We carry them around obliviously, projecting them unto others so we can feel better about ourselves. Sadly, our baggage does not fill up our fear, it only exposes it.
Fear is a bottomless, needy hole, deeply rooted in our souls. It is universally present throughout life, and expressed in different forms. We mostly do not notice its presence when everything is going well in our lives, since we fill the void with relationships, wealth, fame, success, food, or drugs. However, when said placeholders are stripped away, fear rears its ugly head.
The presence of fear is evident when we are born. According to the Attachment theory postulated by Bowlby in 1969, we all seek a deep and enduring emotional bond from our immediate providers as babies. Babies cry of fear that their basic needs will not be met (food, touch, water, comfort). However, when needs are provided for, trust is built. This is the beginning of the basis of love developed in a parent-child relationship.
We know we are loved because we are provided for
Over time, we tend to develop an attachment style with providers. Based on how well our needs were met, some individuals become secure knowing that they are loved, while others become fearful manifesting as anxiety, mistrust, or avoidance of intimacy.
Why do we fear?
Fear is the evidence of separation, of not belonging, not being worthy.
In the previous blog, the Origin of love, we delved into how matter made of the same elements flow to become one. This principle can be applied to us. We gravitate towards friends, religion, pursuits, hobbies, and relationships that make us wholesome and belonging. Thus, the separation of our needs is felt as fear when they are absent in our lives.
I realized my fear when I was heartbroken. Behind the empty feeling was a huge fear of being alone because I felt I was not good enough.
In the ensuing years, I worked harder, and yet the fear remained. Little did I know that in order to cast away the fear, I needed true love, so I could be made whole.
This need to be whole is evident in our desire to be loved. When we are loved as perceived through our love languages; physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, our fears subside.
Perfect love is the only remedy. It combats fear, bridges separation and brings wholeness. Our baggage is only a burden that isolates and inhibits healing.
What is your baggage?
Knowing about our baggage is the first step to loving ourselves. As you probe introspectively, notice any emotions that come up. Write them down.
Take a step further to explore the thoughts behind the feelings… What is the resounding thought behind your feelings?
Remember that we are not given the spirit of fear. Instead we have the spirit of power, love, and sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7 )
In the final blogs, we will delve into casting away all fear and living in perfect love.
Till we meet again,
Keep the crowns upright,
and your baggage light.
